I have been working on this post for a long time. With no real intentions of even posting it really. In fact this is the only post I have ever saved in my drafts. Then I got thinking, wondering why I was so guarded with it. Like I have been secretly protecting something.
I began to write this because I wanted a memory. I have written in my Journal over and over about it. I have almost gnawed Jon's ear off talking about it. Finally he said I should post this. He told me this has been our family journal, which we plan to print someday (if I can ever find out how) and keep it in a book. And it would be good for both of us to have it. As something to look back on.
I honestly don't really know how I feel about posting this. I have been protecting the good and bad of all this for almost 4 months now. I'm going to try my hardest to put my feelings down as non-crazy as possible. This is already getting jumbled... Let me start from the beginning..
Our Christmas was WAY more eventful then I let everyone in on. Christmas day was the day I told Jon he was going to be a Daddy. He was so excited! I love the video of him opening his gift. He could hardly keep our secret that I had been keeping for a couple weeks already. So we picked a couple people he could tell since he couldn't seem to keep it in. I loved that day! All day with our families, we had our own little Christmas secret. It was by far the best Christmas.
The week after Christmas I came down with pneumonia in both lungs. I was put on a mild antibiotic, since I couldn't really be put on anything else.
In January, January 20th to be exact I had my first OB appointment. At 10 weeks Jon and I were so excited to go see our little Blue.
Jon always hated the nickname Blue, He thought it was dumb, I started calling her that when she was the size of a blueberry. As for calling her, Her. I don't really know why. In my mind she was always her. Talking to Jon I always just said her, without really thinking about it. Which I kind of think is funny since I always wanted a boy first. Growing up I always wanted a big brother. So there you have it, SHE is BLUE. Odd... I know. But I don't care.
We had our appointment. Did all the excited talking about it. Then went to ultrasound. When she came up on the screen, Jon looked at my face, and saw the tears in my eyes and just sat down next to me. He knew just my looking at me, that I knew something wasn't right. Blue had stopped growing. Blue had no heartbeat. And Blue, like me, was refusing to let go. She had been gone for a little while, So they were calling it a "missed miscarriage". But my Doctor wanted to be sure so I was scheduled to go back a week later to be sure. Absolute. Worst. Week of my life. Back at our second ultrasound She was measuring two days bigger than the previous week. But that could just be that she was measured wrong one of the times. But no heartbeat. I asked the Doctor why she "missed" her miscarriage and he honestly didn't know. He said, "Sometimes they just refuse to give up as much as the mother does." I know there was no life. I know my baby couldn't fight to stay with no heartbeat. But his sensitivity to it made me feel better. And who knows, maybe she did fight. I like to think she did.
There were then two options. I could go home, and be induced, have contractions and go through a full labor. Or do a D&C. I don't know why, But I just couldn't do the D&C. Maybe I wasn't ready to give her up, So I thought by not making the choice to do it would make me feel better? I don't know. So that weekend I was induced. My Doctor never really told me how much pain there would be. Just that it would be painful cramping... Contractions, and Cramping are two totally different things.
A week later I went in to see if everything had passed, and it all hadn't. So I went home and was induced again. Two weeks later, another ultrasound, and two more inducements 24 hours apart and now I'm being scheduled for that D&C I was trying to avoid.
It's so odd to me that I miss her. Everyday I miss her. It's odd because I have been trying to wrap my head around it. I have been trying to understand all the feelings going through me at any given time. I can't believe how insensitive I used to be. I thought a miscarriage was easy. I thought the mother could move on easily because she never met her baby. I think only a mother who has lost one through miscarriage can know. I have been having the hardest time mostly with that. Understanding why I miss her so much. And why I feel like I knew her when we never met. I know what it's like to love someone who is apart of you. I know why I was secretive when she was there, but I don't really understand why now that she's gone, I feel like I still need to protect her. It all sounds strange I know. That's the only way I know how to put it. I feel like I'm a mother in hiding. Jon and I know we are parents of a little angel. But just us. I know life goes on, I'm not going crazy wanting everyone to be stuck in this limbo of sadness. But part of my head wonders why I'm the only one stuck here. The tricks your head plays, aren't always the funnest. And I hate that I notice certain comments so much more now. (which I don't hold them at fault, I mean, they don't know) Like "You don't know what it's like to love someone that came from you." True, I have never held my baby. But I know the love I have for her is real. Or "When you understand a mothers love..." I know I will feel this love I have 1000x more when I have the chance to hold one of my own. But as for now.. I do understand a mothers love. I unconditionally loved her from the moment I knew she was there.
For the most part I do okay. I laugh everyday at one thing or another. I enjoy time with my husband. Things are going back to normal. But I still have moments. Like remembering 3 other friends of mine are all about as far along as I would be. Moments are hard, but they are only moments. I miss Blue, Everyday. But I'm realizing more and more that I'm okay. There will be more chances to finally get to hold one of my own. But until then I am a Mother. I just have to wait a little longer than most to meet my baby.
