This is more of a personal post. Written a while back, I think I'm finally ready to post it.
I think about this all the time, I work through it in my head. But somehow I never quite find the right solution. Let me start from the beginning...
About three years ago I met the most amazing man. I wasn't looking for it, I didn't even want it at the time. But he was there and it was one of those movie stories, it was a whirlwind. When you get caught up in a Love you never knew existed. There was a plan for me that I was definitely not in on. But it was there and when my heart told me to jump I did. Which was completely out of character for me. Yes, I was always someone to do fun random things out of no where. But when it came to my heart, I have always been very guarded. Even thinking back now that five weeks seems so crazy. But now I can say I understand the six weeks I always thought my parents were crazy for. There was a lot of praying.. or even arguing through my prayers. Yes I even argue with the Big Man from time to time.
After we announced our engagement so many friends and family were so happy and excited. I think a lot of the excitement came from the surprise of the whole thing. Well most were happy and excited. There were a few who had their own thoughts and I was okay with that. I expected it even. Just not from one person. One person cut me off. And said some horrible things about the whole engagement. Now I'm not going to go into the details of what was said, or who it was even. But this person was closer to me than most people have ever been.
That's what this whole post is about. Its almost three years later and at times, I'm still hung up on the whole thing. When it was found out I had heard what the person thought of my engagement, they told me it was all lies. In my heart I knew what was said, was actually said. But I tried to see past it. I could understand why they would say it hadn't been said. Maybe they truly didn't want to ruin what we had. But then why not just be happy for me? I understand it was a short amount of time. But that was my decision to make. I have never really understood the whole logistics of it all. I have only understand how unhappy it makes me that things have turned out this way. Just when I think I'm done thinking about it, we are around each other again. Nothing is even said between us anymore. And I am left thinking about it for days. I wonder if this person knows how much they have hurt me? I wish I still saw the person I used to in them. And I wish my husband could know the person I used to know instead of this one.
The whole thing still confuses me three years later. I wish from the bottom of my heart things were different. But would I go back and change things? Would I change choosing to listen not only to my heart but the promptings of the spirit to save this? No, But I wish things could have been different. I wish others feelings about my choices could have been different. I wish other hearts could have been softened.
Maybe someday they will. I guess that's all I can hope for.
