God is Gracious.

I have some confessions. I suck at updating. Plain and simple. During this pregnancy, I have lead you all to believe it's because I have no time. While time is in fact limited, I always find time to read all your blogs a few times a week. So why can't I just write a quick update?  I have wanted to; many times actually.  I have wanted to poke fun that I didn't pass my one hour glucose by three stupid tiny points. I have wanted to excitedly tell you all I passed my three hour with FLYING colors! And I, who can't even look at a needle, was poked FOUR times in a three hour period. Yes me!!  I didn't even pass out!! I have wanted to tell you all I cut my "chugging time" of my glucose drink in half the second time around..  That's right!  In half!!  WOOT!!
Oh by the way, did you all hear my weight gain has only been 16 pounds..? No?  Well I'm pretty stoked about that too..  But none of you know all that. Because as excited as I have been; and all these things I want to remember; my over reactive girl brain keeps thinking that the moment I put to much down, is the moment something crazy will happen again. And I will have a full blog of memories that will hurt to read. I know how stupid all this sounds.  It's worse.  I have wanted; this entire pregnancy; to write letters to my baby boy in a book/journal.  I have wanted to tell him everything he is doing. How happy he makes me when he isn't even with me yet. How happy he makes Jon. How his daddy, when he is barely awake enough to keep his eyes open, will sometimes forget to tell me.. "Bye, I love you." But always remembers to tell him. I haven't even been able to do this. I realize this is all ridiculous, the sane part of my brain knows this. It's that irrational side that keeps freaking out.
So today, when I was thinking of another blog post I would never actually write, I decided to look up the meaning of our little boys name. It's funny that I haven't ever thought to do this before. When just a year ago I indulged myself in the meanings of names.  Jack. A Hebrew name. Meaning God is Gracious. 
How ironic. After all we have been through. We unknowingly picked a name that means so much to our situation. Because in the time I shut myself out, left myself in bed for days. I always knew this statement was true. I always counted on Him to bring me a baby again when the time was right.
I have nine weeks left. I am going to start those letters to Jack.